In four months, we may have snow on the ground. Today, it is sunny, and seventy-five, or so. Four months? And how much will the scenery change in that time! Leaves will begin to darken, to turn yellow and red. Then, they will fall, and the trees will be bare. We’ll hear the lake roar from my house nearly every day now, as the wind begins to be steadily stronger towards fall.
I love the sound of that roar, no matter what time of year it is. It is something I have come to look forward to, like a friend I see every so often, the reunion of which is always full of joy.
The lake is roaring today, along with something else in my heart and mind.
Today, my former wife approached me about our daughter. This is what she said, “I was wondering if you could talk to Ally about her attitude.” I looked at her, and asked, “What’s wrong with her attitude?” Nina began to explain that Ally isn’t listening to her, and is arguing about everything. My daughter is twelve, and in case you aren’t familiar with twelve year old girls, then you need to know that around that age, they begin to become more independent.
I have watched this side of my daughter for quite a while now, because she is a lot more mature than most girls her age. Yet, I haven’t noticed her attitude change toward me. Sure, she no longer wants hugs as often, and she gets all indignant when I tickle her, but beyond that, she seems to be more open about her feelings than I have ever noticed before. I have struggled with the idea of her growing up, but at the same time, I have wondered in joy at the growing I get to watch.
Attitude? I wanted to ask, “What’s your attitude like?” Instead, I just answered honestly, saying that Ally doesn’t often argue with me, and she does everything I ask her to. I didn’t tell Nina, but I’ll tell you all, my daughter is as well behaved a child as any I have ever met. I marvel at her intelligence, and at the same time, how she willingly cooperates within my house. Most kids throw tantrums, and try to manipulate. Ally doesn’t ever do that with me. Apparently, that is not the case with Nina, my former wife.
So, I stand at a crossroads, seriously wanting my daughter and her mother to get along, but I also wonder if it my daughter’s fault that there is strife in that house. Ally doesn’t seem to have any boundaries there. No bedtime, no regular chores to do. Everything seems to be hit and miss, helter skelter.
Now, my house is not a regimented military establishment. I flow with life as well as I can, but there are definitely certain things that need to be done, and I see to it that they are done. Ally understands this, and I don’t act as the dictator of the family. But she also knows that I am the father, and she is the child. She has boundaries, and she knows that certain things are things she needs to ask about.
I get the sense it isn’t this way in Ally’s other house. Knowing what I know about Nina, that is more than just a “sense”. It’s more like, “yeah, I know how she is”. But, that doesn’t mean it is my place to judge how she runs her house.
So, I have been asked to talk with Ally, and I have. I see no problem with her attitude. So, what am I supposed to say to her mom? Do I say, “Grow up, the problem isn’t her, it’s you?” That would seem more like the truth to me, and I am usually not so worried about just saying things like that. But, coming on the heels of losing my focus, and ignoring that others have a completely different perspective than I, I can no longer just throw a dart, and leave it at that.
Now, I am in a position I don’t want to be in. I don’t want to be the middle man. Nina made her choices a while ago, and we all have been paying for them ever since. But, that doesn’t mean I am not responsible to help with her relationship with Ally. Or am I?
This is not a crisis. It’s just a part of the same big problem that broken families suffer through. I’ll bet if Nina had been shown this, she’d never have done what she did. That’s how temptation is. At best, it is a half truth. At worst, it is a complete lie. But, that is something I can’t change, so I have to deal with what is in front of me, today, and all of the tomorrows God has in store for me.
You can bet that I have already asked God to help me, and will many times more. But if you guys have any insight on how to delicately handle a very fragile situation like this, I would really appreciate it. Am I to make every effort to be the peacemaker? Am I to tell her she needs to learn how to connect and relate to Ally on her own? What to do, that is the question. “Cynical me”, well, you know what he would tell her already. But “cynical me” is lying in heap somewhere, and I don’t want to wake him up.
Winter approaches, and with it, school will start, the leaves will fall, and everything will look dead. It only looks that way. The truth is somewhere beneath the surface.
I love the sound of that roar, no matter what time of year it is. It is something I have come to look forward to, like a friend I see every so often, the reunion of which is always full of joy.
The lake is roaring today, along with something else in my heart and mind.
Today, my former wife approached me about our daughter. This is what she said, “I was wondering if you could talk to Ally about her attitude.” I looked at her, and asked, “What’s wrong with her attitude?” Nina began to explain that Ally isn’t listening to her, and is arguing about everything. My daughter is twelve, and in case you aren’t familiar with twelve year old girls, then you need to know that around that age, they begin to become more independent.
I have watched this side of my daughter for quite a while now, because she is a lot more mature than most girls her age. Yet, I haven’t noticed her attitude change toward me. Sure, she no longer wants hugs as often, and she gets all indignant when I tickle her, but beyond that, she seems to be more open about her feelings than I have ever noticed before. I have struggled with the idea of her growing up, but at the same time, I have wondered in joy at the growing I get to watch.
Attitude? I wanted to ask, “What’s your attitude like?” Instead, I just answered honestly, saying that Ally doesn’t often argue with me, and she does everything I ask her to. I didn’t tell Nina, but I’ll tell you all, my daughter is as well behaved a child as any I have ever met. I marvel at her intelligence, and at the same time, how she willingly cooperates within my house. Most kids throw tantrums, and try to manipulate. Ally doesn’t ever do that with me. Apparently, that is not the case with Nina, my former wife.
So, I stand at a crossroads, seriously wanting my daughter and her mother to get along, but I also wonder if it my daughter’s fault that there is strife in that house. Ally doesn’t seem to have any boundaries there. No bedtime, no regular chores to do. Everything seems to be hit and miss, helter skelter.
Now, my house is not a regimented military establishment. I flow with life as well as I can, but there are definitely certain things that need to be done, and I see to it that they are done. Ally understands this, and I don’t act as the dictator of the family. But she also knows that I am the father, and she is the child. She has boundaries, and she knows that certain things are things she needs to ask about.
I get the sense it isn’t this way in Ally’s other house. Knowing what I know about Nina, that is more than just a “sense”. It’s more like, “yeah, I know how she is”. But, that doesn’t mean it is my place to judge how she runs her house.
So, I have been asked to talk with Ally, and I have. I see no problem with her attitude. So, what am I supposed to say to her mom? Do I say, “Grow up, the problem isn’t her, it’s you?” That would seem more like the truth to me, and I am usually not so worried about just saying things like that. But, coming on the heels of losing my focus, and ignoring that others have a completely different perspective than I, I can no longer just throw a dart, and leave it at that.
Now, I am in a position I don’t want to be in. I don’t want to be the middle man. Nina made her choices a while ago, and we all have been paying for them ever since. But, that doesn’t mean I am not responsible to help with her relationship with Ally. Or am I?
This is not a crisis. It’s just a part of the same big problem that broken families suffer through. I’ll bet if Nina had been shown this, she’d never have done what she did. That’s how temptation is. At best, it is a half truth. At worst, it is a complete lie. But, that is something I can’t change, so I have to deal with what is in front of me, today, and all of the tomorrows God has in store for me.
You can bet that I have already asked God to help me, and will many times more. But if you guys have any insight on how to delicately handle a very fragile situation like this, I would really appreciate it. Am I to make every effort to be the peacemaker? Am I to tell her she needs to learn how to connect and relate to Ally on her own? What to do, that is the question. “Cynical me”, well, you know what he would tell her already. But “cynical me” is lying in heap somewhere, and I don’t want to wake him up.
Winter approaches, and with it, school will start, the leaves will fall, and everything will look dead. It only looks that way. The truth is somewhere beneath the surface.
5 comments:
Anonymous,
if you could, please re post your comment? Somehow, your comment got deleted when I deleted all the trouble Elaine had. Sorry Elaine, I didn't know you were having such trouble getting comments to post.
Anyway...........................................
I do try to "back up" my former wife. But, is Ally the problem? That's the question, here. Ally does perfectly well with boundaries, and it isn't just at home. It's at school, at friend's houses, at relatives houses. The only place she has a problem at is her mom's house. And yes, I am certain it is confusing, and hard because of her step-whatever he is (still can't bring myself to call him a father). But really, is the problem hers?
In order to solve any problem for the long term, a band aid will not work. One has to attempt to reach the source. Well, the source here is something that will never be fixed, so what is the next best thing? I would have to say it is actual boundaries, and sticking to them, something Nina has never done herself. Maybe I should have explained that better, Elaine, in my post.
It's a frustrating thing, because this all plays a part in my daughter's adult future. I can support Nina's attempt at boundaries, but until there are boundaries that are held firm, nothing I say about them will do any good. Am I making sense here?
For example, at my house, on school nights, Ally is to be in bed by 9:30 pm. There is no wavering from that. It is something that is upheld, every time, barring extremely unusual circumstances. In Nina's house, the bed time is 10:00 pm on a school night (which thankfully amounts to only one school night a week). My daughter frequently tells me she stays up beyond 11:00 pm on those nights. And then all of a sudden, mom notices the clock, and rushes Ally to bed as soon as possible. Now I know Ally can see the clock, but what child is raring to go to bed?
There is always an unusual circumstance at Nina's house, that is my point. Nothing is constant, the line is drawn in sand, and the wind blows that line wherever. Can you imagine what it's like for a child to try and figure out when mom is "serious", and when mom is just saying something that won't really be a rule? Kids need boundaries, and every child will stretch boundaries to their limits, and consistently beyond if they are allowed to. Nina needs to take her role seriously. She is the mom, and Ally is the daughter. Right now, that's not happening. So how do I find a gentle way of saying that? Or do I just blurt it out in good ol fashioned Tom style?
Thanks MC,
I am going to speak to my former wife, today I think. Or the next possible moment where Ally is not around. Sometimes silent emotional support is the best kind.
Diane,
Oh, I've thought about it. That's about as far as it gets. I have forgiven her, and her husband (she left me for him). But thanking God for the problems it all causes is not something I have done yet. That doesn't mean I am not thankful for His love, and the growth He has brought about with all of this. But I definitely am not yet thankful for trouble. At least not right when it is occuring. Thanks, though, for your encouragement.
Diane,
Thank you very much. I have done it, and will keep doing it, as you suggest. Doesn't it seem that forgiveness comes in layers? I truly hope all is well with you.
Tom
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