SUNDAY EVENING THOUGHTS

It’s Sunday evening, and it’s raining. What has this world done to my daughter?

I asked her if she wanted to go outside with me in the rain, and just play, run around like a bunch of nuts. You know what she did? She gave me that LOOK. You know the one. It’s the look that twelve year olds are famous for, and I have been getting it quite a bit lately.

It’s the look that asks, “Daddy, are you an idiot?” I love watching her grow up, but I’m not sure about this look. Did she learn it from me? I hope not!

And hey!!! I told her to stop growing up four years ago! What’s with this gross disobedience? Did she learn that from me as well? What punishments can I levy for this? I clearly told her, ”No more maturing, no more growing. From now on, you will be eight, forever.” What is this world coming to when our children misbehave like this?

Seriously, I am looking forward to the next few years, say four or five, with anticipation, and a very, very heavy dose of anxiety. Let’s see, she is twelve now…………..so in five years, she will be seventeen. Aaaaaagggghhhhh!!!!!!!!#@!@#!!

I have so much to look forward to, and so much to worry about. Take for instance, dating. My daughter isn’t going to date until she’s married. What’s that, you ask? “How can she get married if she doesn’t date?” Now you’re gettin’ it.

Okay, so I can’t keep her from dating, I know that. But this I also know; the poor chap who kisses her first will be beaten within an inch of his life, so he better wait until he asks her to marry him. Then, I might only pound him with my baseball bat a FEW times. We’ll see, it all depends on how I feel that day, because you never can tell, right?

Actually, none of that will PROBABLY happen, but I make no promises at this point. I just am really not looking forward to it all. I know how I was at seventeen. So she better steer clear of guys who are like I was. And I will be able to tell.

I will simply meet this fine upstanding youth at the door, ask him inside, and lay down the ground rules. Here they are, or at least a partial list:

1. Kissing is as far as you can go with my daughter.
2. Kissing is forbidden, so rule # 1 is really just built-in redundancy.
3. If you pick her up at 8:00 pm, she must be home at 8:15 pm, on the same day.
4. No driving is allowed, so rule # 3 is again, just built in redundancy.
5. If she says no to anything, and you disregard it, I will kill you.
6. If you go further than rule # 2, I will kill you.
7. If you think my daughter is a punching bag, run fast, because I’m one of those guys who LIKES hitting men who hit women.
8. Holding hands is allowed (hey! I’m not an ogre!), …………..so long as you wear surgical gloves.
9. Throw away the breath mints, or breath spray, you won’t be needing them tonight. Kindly see rule # 2.
10. Bow to me upon entering, and leaving, for I am king. : D

There is going to be a whole host of other rules, but for now, I have time, this will have to do.

Now, where’s that baseball bat?