Having a relationship with God has been the most exhilarating, frustrating, joyous, tearful, wonderful, and frightening thing in my life. Recently, I have gone through what I think might be a test of my faith.
I allowed my focus to wander onto things it shouldn’t have, and my time was not well spent. Now, I am in a position where things are a little clearer, and I know some of what I have to do. I know I am being very vague here, because truthfully, I am still uncertain.
The last few weeks have seen me lose sight of the power of Christ within me. Thus, my “way” was off kilter. How do we get this way? When I know what I am supposed to be about, how do I get sidetracked so easily?
Prayer was difficult for me these last few weeks. Heck, just finding God anywhere was difficult. He wasn’t hiding, I was. He has been here with me, all the while whispering, then calling, then shouting. I finally heard Him last night. Not some audible voice, just thoughts, and prayers, and circumstances. It is such a relief to find my self needing Him, to recognize how much I really do.
Circumstances? These next months are going to dictate whether or not my business is going to be a success, or a failure. I am okay with either one, but as I know myself, I will work to make it a success. However, I can only advertise so much, the rest is truly up to God. He brings the people to me, I can’t just go out and ask someone if they’d like me to do some remodeling for them, or build them an addition. It just doesn’t work that way. My business is my livelihood, so the stress from it can become overbearing at times.
But, the stress from that is not solely to blame for my wandering. I am used to the stress, it is not a factor that is going to draw me away from God. No, my flesh is what draws me away from God. Wanting things to be the way I want them, not making time to talk with God, and ignoring the signs set before me all get me to where I am right now, which is a long way from where I once was. At least that is the way it felt these last weeks.
But, the joy is mine, because I have been forgiven. My arrogance? Forgiven. My attitude toward other people? Forgiven. All is forgiven. I have been restored.
You see, I love Jesus, and He has something that no other “religion” in this world can offer. It’s called true forgiveness, and when you have experienced it, nay, FELT it as much as I have, you know you are in the right God.
I don’t have to earn my way back. I don’t have to fight my way up the “ladder”. I am where I was when I left this path, not miles behind, like I would be in the world. And somehow, I know a little more, I have a little more wisdom, and I pray, a little less arrogance? I hope so.
Forgiveness, there is nothing like it. Today, for the first time in several weeks, I truly felt like a child of God again. I did nothing to bring this about, save one thing, I asked God for it. I stayed honest with Him throughout. That is something I learned in the past, that even when I go my own way, for whatever stupid reason, that I need to stay honest with Him about it. Maybe that’s why praying was so difficult for a while, because I knew I couldn’t go to Him and lie. But when I did go to Him, I told the truth, and that helped somehow. The Spirit truly does desire us to know God fully.
One of the best ways to get to know someone is to LET THEM KNOW you, honestly. My post the other night about being real was the first step back to reality. Hearing people say things about me that I knew were lies, no matter how good they were, snapped me back to God in a hurry. For how could I hear these things, and live up to them? I can’t, and it broke me. I am so thankful for that. Losing my focus sucks. But getting it back, that is more precious to me than all the gold in the world.
So, here I am, God. I am not much, except I am far more because You made me so. Thank you for calling me, for loving me enough to make it hurt. Thank you for the uncertainty in my business, without which, I might forget you for a while. Thank you for gently showing me that I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing, and instead, doing worthless things. I am yours. Do with me what You will.