I am a closet lover.
Haven't come out yet.
I don't know why.
When I love someone (specifically friends or people I work with, and even strangers), inside of my mind I say, I am very fond of him or her, or I really like them. And it doesn't seem to matter who they are, or what they have done, if anything or everything.
I listened today to several teenagers talk about a young man who seemed intent on disturbing class at school every moment of the day. I listened to stories of this boy from their past, how he had done this and how he had done that, and I chided them a bit, and said, "I am sure he is a good boy". To which they laughed heartily. Their image of him, and what I said about him was like the distance between the two poles of this earth. They couldn't bring the two together in their minds...but I think in time they will. Maybe as they grow older and get to know how much God loves them, and how forgiving He really is.
Just before they exited my truck (I had to pick them up from school and take them home), I said, "I am sure God loves him too." They all answered, almost as one, as only teenagers can do, "Yeah, He does". And then they siad thank you and good bye.
I don't know why I am a closet lover. Maybe a part of me deems myself to be unworthy to love people, or maybe just not worthy to call what I feel love. We all have feelings of unworthiness, no matter who we are. I am not ashamed to admit that at times, I do as well. I guess it's all part of living this life in Christ.
But when I really think about things, and then I look at people as I have been known to do in the past, I see things that break my heart. I see my thoughts in other people's eyes. I see my experiences in their hearts, and I know that they are me, and I am them, and then my heart breaks for them, because I know how I felt, or would feel if I were them.
I love them, I think, but please don't tell anyone. I am not ready yet to admit that this is love which I feel. Much better to stay in my closet and be safe.