I have begun a journey. I don’t know where it will end. You see, two years ago, I asked God to help me be honest with Him. So much of what came before then was dishonesty, it was me saying what I thought He wanted to hear. Really, even now, I have to be so careful to make certain I am not talking with Him in words I think would please Him, but in honesty.
Well, a new part of that journey is beginning. In these last years, God has taught me so much about grace. I don’t get it yet, but I get it more than I used to. But there are questions, and no one has been able to satisfactorily answer the questions I have. Current doctrine doesn’t answer it, and doctrine other than mainstream doesn’t touch these questions with any answers either. So I am going to the source.
I am throwing away everything except grace through faith, because of Christ crucified, and starting over. This is a very personal journey, and along the way, I may share what I learn. But I am done arguing theology. I am done proving people don’t know, or don’t care. I am done listening to men.
That doesn’t mean I won’t learn anything from anyone, because I most certainly will. God uses all things, towards the good, of those who love Him. However, pedigree will not buy you my attention. Only the voice of God in you will teach me. How will I know it is the voice of God? Because Christ said I would, and I am done doubting Him about that.
There is so much doctrine, and though I understand much of it, I must admit that even the most recent stuff, the most liberal stuff, never has the ring of truth in it that I seek. That is to say nothing of the old, which at times, sounds like truth, and at others, bristles with affront, as if I know I am being lied to. You see, when you ask God to make you honest before Him, something happens, something you don’t control anymore. Something no man can turn or control to his will.
When I asked God to help me be honest before Him, I lost every excuse. I gave up every reason I had for not being right, for not being good yet, for not just loving Him, and leaving everything else in His gentle hands. I lost everything.
I can’t pray now, just because I HAVE to, and oh how easy it was once to pray just because I thought God EXPECTED it. I can no longer say, “I trust you”, when I don’t. I cannot come to God under false pretenses, because I know they are false, and if I know, He most certainly does. I cannot say, “I want to serve you”, when I really want to serve myself.
A little too honest? How can one be too honest before God?
So here I stand, or maybe a better way to say that is, here I lie, in state. My lust to deceive God is gone, and I have nowhere to hide. I cannot hide behind doctrine, or the Word. I cannot hide.
And I can no longer claim to believe in doctrines that do not satisfy my thirst for truth. I cannot say truthfully that I believe in anything other than Christ crucified, Christ risen, and Christ in heaven with His father. I believe He has saved me. I believe He has done everything I could not do for myself. I believe He is alive, and He is approachable, hearable, and lovable.
Today the Scriptures were a magnet for my heart. I read John chapter three, 1- 21, and surrendered. I do not really understand it. I grasp a straw of its meaning, and I have never heard anyone offer anything more. I think it is because we are not, and have not been honest with our Lord. Instead of coming to the scripture an empty slate, we come with our doctrine, our tradition, and our knowledge, none of which saves us, or is of any use. An empty slate can be written upon. But when we think we know, we are full, what more can we learn?
Jesus talks about saving the world, and of those who have been judged because they do not believe, in this passage. He is speaking to Nicodemus. But what does it mean? No explanation I have ever heard really satisfied me. Some had a small hint of truth, but nothing more. In all, if I had one thing to say about every bit of doctrine I have ever heard, I would have to say that every last bit of it is almost entirely incomplete.
So, don’t come at me with doctrine. I love you all as best I can, but don’t come at me with doctrine. I can recite as much as the next, but it’s all garbage, every bit of it. It doesn’t matter if it’s predestination, or universal gospels, or any of the other past and present doctrines of our faith. It’s all garbage, because none of it is entirely true. None of it will save anyone. None of it will do any one of us even a single bit of good. Argue with me if you want, that is your choice. I don’t mean to be arrogant; I hope I am not coming across as such. It’s just that I won’t pay attention to arguments, because arguments don’t reveal truth, only Jesus does.
So here I am, Lord, an empty slate. I have lost everything!!!! I understand nothing except your death!! I am shouting loudly, because I want to be heard!!! I want to hear You!!!! Please, do not allow me to be filled…with… garbage…ever…again!!
For those of you who might be worried about me, don’t be. I love Jesus. I just don’t love lies. I don’t love half-truths. I don’t accept them. If I know nothing except the grace of Jesus, then at least everything I know will be true. I couldn’t say that yesterday. I am starting over, just as Jesus told me to. I have thrown everything away. I am scared, but I am free, and Jesus never promised me that I’d be safe. He only promised me that if I believed in Him, I would have life, and have it eternally, with Him.