You know what? I had an entire post written on John chapter three verses 1-16. But, I deleted every bit of it.
Because as I was finishing it, I paused, and thought, “This just isn’t me, it isn’t what I want to do anymore.”
I was going to share with you what I had seen in the scriptures, but the fact is, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know why, other than to say, it’s just not me. I see many things right now, and the scriptures are alive to me in ways I never knew before. But, right now, I need to be alone with this. I hope you all understand.
My faith is being shaken, tested, and sanctified, as best I can tell. I feel frustrated with it, yet excited. I feel naked before God, but strangely, most of the time, I am at peace with it. I keep expecting to open my eyes, and see Jesus sitting there next to me. Talk about a scary thought.
Why is that thought scary? Because I am a man who is frightened at how Jesus can do anything He wants, including manifesting Himself to whomever He wants, at any time. Some people say they have heard His voice, out loud. I never have, and frankly, such a thing would cause me to wet my pants, I fear. I know He is gentle. I am not afraid of Him. I am afraid of what He is able to do, because what He is able to do is beyond my ken to understand.
I can understand some physics. I understand almost every word spoken in English, including being able to use them coherently in a sentence. But I do not understand God’s power, and thus, I am in awe of it.
I feel God’s attention upon me, right now. I feel aware of His gaze, almost constantly. I do not understand how that is possible, since I have never felt that very much before. I like it, but I also don’t like it. I am split in the middle, torn, and I don’t feel as if I am mending where I am tearing.
The flesh dies hard. I asked for this. I still mean it. I always will. But, I am two natures, one perfect, and one dead, and the one dead doesn’t like being dead too much. He keeps shouting, saying, “Come over here, pay attention to me, or I’ll give you a reason to pay attention!!” Doesn’t he know he’s dead?
The war is on. I know who will win, but what pain lies ahead? I know I will have the peace to bear it, if any.