Sorry guys, I don’t much feel like writing tonight. Had a rotten day at work, and beg your prayers for a fellow named Gaylord, who blew up at me when I asked him a question. I know, I know, I should pray for him as well. Trouble is, I don’t think I’ve forgiven him yet, even though I know I will. I have been holding on to my anger over this incident all day long, letting it roil just beneath the surface.
Can I escape the eruption? I have in the past, but tonight, I feel angry. This man had no right to explode at me, he doesn’t even realize that at this job site, he is much lower on the totem poll than me, as I am the owner’s representative. Yeah, not the man you want to piss off on a construction site.
Okay, so I’m writing now anyway, despite what I said. Throughout his verbal tirade, I said nothing. I listened as he grew louder and louder, and more abusive. And suddenly, I found myself wanting to laugh at him. AT HIM!! Again, not the best reaction, and one I’m glad didn’t come to the surface.
Still, I can’t help in my anger to feel some pity toward him. He is going through a nasty divorce, his wife having left him for reasons not understood. I can relate to that, and we have talked in the recent past about it. But today, he didn’t want to talk, he wanted to vent, and I was the target. I asked him a simple question about some windows, and he blew a gasket.
So, what do I do? The trouble with this type of blow up on a construction site is that if left unchecked, Gaylord may feel he has the right to do it again, but maybe next time toward someone else. I can’t have that, at all. We can’t have other contractors getting the brunt of a bully’s anger. And my anger about this right now isn’t helping me think straight.
I was embarrassed, and everybody wanted to know what it was all about. One guy told me he saw the look on my face, realized I wasn’t saying anything, and thought I was going to deck Gaylord right there. I would never do that, and I told this guy that. But somehow, the look on my face must have made him take notice, and for that look, I am regretful. Yes, I was angry, I still am. But what did he see in my face that made him think that?
I also noticed that as Gaylord was yelling, I was walking toward him, and he was backing away, and then he just turned and stomped off, while I continued on my way toward my destination as if nothing had occurred. Am I really that cold?
I don’t know what to do about this. I didn’t speak to Gaylord the rest of the day, and barely saw him. But if I haven’t worked this out by tomorrow, I am afraid of how I’ll be toward him.
God help me!! I don’t want to be an ass. Help me to forgive, and to understand, and be compassionate. But help me to help Gaylord understand also that he can’t fly off the handle any time he wants. How do I do that, Lord? How do I reconcile this mess? I wanted to laugh at him. What is it in me that would be that cold?
I wrote it. I don’t feel better. I still feel angry, and now ashamed at what has been in my mind. Forgive me, Father. And help Gaylord, please help him, somehow, let him know you are there. Help him to heal over his loss which I understand well.