Am I normal? Or am I obsessed?
There is this presence in my mind, constantly. When I say constantly, I mean ALL OF THE TIME.
I can’t really say it is a thought, or a memory, because it both is, and isn’t those things. It’s more than that, and less than that, somehow. And, I wonder…..is this normal?
I think (using “think” for lack of a better word) of God almost constantly. I do not think of Him in actual thoughts almost constantly, actual thoughts are somewhat less. But He is on my mind, and there’s never a moment He isn’t. I have tried to measure this, to watch it, to remember the times when He isn’t, and as far as I can tell, I haven’t found any. I guess the best word I could use is “aware”. It’s like someone flipped a switch the moment I believed. And if I could describe the magnitude of it, I'd have to say it is getting louder.
I have this awareness of God in everything, in waking, working, walking, or wandering. It doesn’t matter what I am doing, I am always aware of Him. If I do right, He is there. If I do wrong, I am aware of His presence in me. I cannot say it is physical, because it doesn’t strike me as such. I cannot say this awareness is blind faith, because it is very real, almost just close enough to see. Then again, I can’t touch it with my mind, this presence. In other words, I can’t capture this awareness, and put a voice or a face to it.
I feel like I am not explaining this well. Words are failing me. How do I bring this across without sounding absolutely whacked out of my mind?
He’s here!! In my mind!! In my heart. He’s never gone. I wake up, and He is here. I lay down, and He is here. Does anyone else feel this? Am I normal, or obsessed? Oh, how I wish I could describe this one thing better than I have. How I wish for the words to draw a picture you cannot see. How I wish for the verbs and nouns, adjectives and prepositions to bring you into my mind, to see for yourself what it is I am saying.
God is not far off. He is here!! He is not a distant God, but a close God. He is not uninvolved, He is the reason, and the movement of everything in my life. He is ALWAYS here, always present, and as I said the other day, there is no place I can go where He is not. I no longer want to be any where He is not.