I don’t like myself very much tonight.

I’ll get over it, I am sure of that. But I know now why I still ask for forgiveness when I sin. It’s because asking, and receiving forgiveness is the only thing that brings me back home.

Some people think we no longer have to ask for forgiveness. I’m not sure what to think about that. Part of me says, “yeah, you’re right, Jesus took care of it all, on the cross.”

My mind knows this, and my heart does as well. But still, in real life, when I don’t ask for forgiveness, I don’t come home, I don’t respond to God, or listen to Him, or do anything that would remotely show any light within me. There is just something about asking forgiveness in the real world, in real time, when I sin, that changes everything.

In theory, I know I am forgiven. In theory, I know God sees me as perfect through Christ. But in reality, my heart needs to bleed it out, to be broken over it, and to come back to Father openly and honestly. In reality, the theory of being a believer doesn’t work too well.

Why do I need to feel broken? I don’t know. I just know that I do feel broken, and apart; apart from light, and apart from God. Not that I can ever be separated from God, because in theory, I know I can’t be. There’s that theory again.

What can I say? I know what I see, and I know what I feel. I know freedom comes as a part of forgiveness, and I also know that because of Christ’s death, I am now dead to sin. Yet I sin. Another theory that in practice, doesn’t work too well.

Or does it?

I am not smart enough to figure this out by myself. I know I am going to be with God tonight, deep in prayer, begging for an answer, but most of all, receiving forgiveness. I don’t care if it’s possible, I just know what I feel, or rather, what my heart feels. Even if theory says I am forgiven, practice proves I will be there tonight, asking it, and receiving it. Maybe I’m not there yet, with all this so called theory. Maybe I’m just not well-acquainted with grace.

But one thing always comes across my mind, that is, the thought that God’s mercy is new everyday. So I guess what I am saying is, I don’t necessarily believe that I don’t have to ask for forgiveness every day. I know I sin every day.

What is it about being humbled in asking for forgiveness that draws me so? Why can’t I just let it go, if I am already forgiven? I don’t know.

What I know is what I live, and my life begs forgiveness. I don’t walk perfectly. Heck, I don’t even walk “well”. But through it all, I still find grace in God, beckoning me home.

Father, I know what people say about me already being forgiven. I don’t care about that, because my heart still wants to ask, still longs to feel grace, every day. I suppose if I no longer desired grace, I might actually be dead. But something in me yearns to be reunited, every day. Something in me cries over the way I have been, the way I have treated others, and the actions I allow my flesh to be part of.

So I don’t really care what theory says, right now, God. If I am wrong, I know You will help me understand. But right now, my heart bleeds for forgiveness, for grace, and I am asking the only One who can give it.

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