Okay. There are no pressing issues to blog about right now, so far as I know. I hope you guys are all still praying for miracles. I am. It doesn’t matter how good I am, the outcome of the prayer doesn’t depend on me, and we should ALL be thankful about that.
Because I don’t have anything pressing upon me to write about, I thought I’d share an encounter I had with Hans und Frans today. Yes, that’s right, Hans und Frans are back, huger than ever.
I had a chance to interview them tonight, about an issue dear to my heart, and an issue they have written several books about, and have a videotape workout that coincides with this. What is the topic? How God made Hans und Frans so huge, of course, Silly.
So without further ado, here is the interview that will change your life.
Tom: Welcome back, Hans und Frans. I won’t bother to introduce you, since everyone already knows who you are.
Hans: Ya, we are the hugest believers ever!! Hear me now!! We are huge!
Frans: Ya, listen to me now, und think about it later, but whatever you do, listen to me now! We are huge!
Tom: Alrighty then, let’s jump right into this. Hans, the last time I talked with you, you told me something that made me feel a bit like I didn’t "measure" up. Do you remember what that was?
Hans: Ya, of course I do! I told you that you were a puny little girly Christian, barely able even to lift your own body weight for God, and that you ought to be ashamed because you are not more like me!. Ya!
Frans: Ya! But don’t forget, Hans. You also told him that if he didn’t become more like us, that he would be forever doomed to puniness und flabbulence. Not to mention that if we weren’t so humble, we wouldn’t even think of hanging around such a WEAKling girly-Christian.
Tom: Alright, I think we get the picture. Well, Hans, as you can see, I’ve tried really hard to measure up recently, and I think I’ve bulked up nicely. Have you noticed?
Hans: (laughing) Seriously Tom, hear me now, und think about it later, I see no difference! Of course, that might be because I just bench-pressed seven hundred und thirty pounds fifty times, und my chest und arms are ABSOLUTLEY pumped to the point that I can’t see anything beyond them.
Frans: Ya, I see no difference either, und I would know, because I can see. I only worked out my legs for thirteen hours today, so I have no bulging upper torso muscles, except what is normally huge, to get in the way of my eyes. You are still puny, my little friend. Und…if I were you, I would hear me now, und think about it later.
Tom: What would I hear, if I were to hear you now, Frans?
Frans: I just told you what you should hear, Tom. Are your ears so puny as well, my miniscule friend? I know you need to get pumped up, because you are a weakling girly Christian, und the devil is just waiting to bring his smack down on you, because you have no muscles to fight him off with.
Tom: I thought our battles weren’t against the flesh, but against the powers and principalities of the air?
Hans: Ya, you’re battle is going to be with me, if you keep disagreeing with us, my miniscule, unpumped, flabby little friend. Hear me now!
Tom: You said “Hear me now”. I am waiting to hear what you have to say now.
Hans: I already said it, puny girly man.
Frans: Ya! Und here is something else for you to think about, tiny girly-boy. If you are not huge like us, then you are not a real believer. You are only a PRETEND believer.
Hans: Ya! Und if you can’t bench press seven hundred pounds thirty times, then you can’t do all things through Christ. Ya, und then, the world would know you were Christian, if you were huge like us.
Tom: I was told repeatedly by a friend of mine that you guys are way too arrogant. I defended you, you know that?
Frans: Puny little minisculity of a man, if the day comes that we need you to defend us, then you will know you are huger than us. (looking at me he said..) That day is a long, long, long way away, my limp, muscle-less friend. (Hans flexes his muscles in the background)
Tom: Well, I’ll have you know that I have been losing weight, AND pumping up. I’ve toned myself recently, ya know?
Hans: Ya! Und given ten billion years, a monkey will one day write a novel! Ha ha!! Very funny, my little friend. However, you are still the same puny little Christian you were last year at this time. You have not grown, because you do not pump yourself up like we pump ourselves up. If you want to be huge in faith, then you have to be like us. No other way will work.
Frans: Ya, all the others are just pretenders, like Billy Graham..
Hans: Ya, what does he know?
Frans: Ya!! Und like Max Lucado.
Hans: Ya! Is he going to protect you when Satan comes a calling? No, but muscles will!!! Ya!! Muscles are your only hope. Jesus said so. “For God so loved the world, that he gave us all of His muscles, so that whoever was pumped up would be saved, like us.
Tom: Well, I can see very little has changed in you two. By the way, God didn't give us muscles, you dingbats! He gave us His only Son, Jesus! We’ll be saying goodbye now, from Two Rivers, this has been Hans und Frans
Hans: Ya, und their puny little friend, Tom. Don’t sell yourself short, little girly man. There is hope for you yet.
Frans: Ya! Have you heard about our all new diet, for puny little pip-squeaks like you who want to be huge like us?
Hans: Ya, be sure to catch us next time, when you can learn how to eat all the meat und sweets you want, so long as you keep pumping up. The South Beach diet is for girly-believers. If you want to be huge, like us, then you NEED to get pumped up….like us