9/02/2004

I WEPT TODAY

I wept today. Right after I lost my cool, and got angry. Can you guess who I was angry with? No, it’s not my former wife. It’s not her husband, either. I was angry with God.

Oh, it’s alright. God can handle my anger, among other things. But I realized in the midst of this anger how absolutely futile it was. I was throwing a mental and verbal temper tantrum at God, hoping to get His attention. It feels like I haven’t had His attention. I have been praying, and asking, and thanking, and begging, without result or path to travel.

I am misplaced. Not necessarily lost, I just don’t know what to do. I have been waiting for God to answer some questions that require answers quickly. Silence. For a while, that silence has only been serving to anger me more. I want to scream at God, and ask Him what He is waiting for? What is He making me wait for, again? In my walk with Jesus, I have spent most of my time waiting, waiting, waiting.

I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I know I am supposed to wait on God, and not take matters totally into my own hands, but for a guy, that is asking the almost impossible. I have a choice. I can continue to wait, becoming ever more frustrated. Or, I can just go with my own understanding, and watch the walls come tumbling down around me. Not much of a choice, is it?

Well, God, here I am, waiting again. I know you see me, and I know you hear me, and I know you can read this and my mind, and everything I am about to say. There is a problem, God. I can’t read your mind. I desperately want to. I want to know the right thing to do. There are too many paths before me, and they all look the same. I am confused, and I don’t know what to do. These paths don’t look wrong, Jesus. But I know there is only one right choice, and I just can’t decide what to do.

I am arrested, and I really, really, need You. My faith is so weak right now, can you see? You have helped me so much recently, please help me choose what to do. I can’t, I just can’t rely on my judgment. I don’t even want to be tempted to rely on it.

The temptation to just do what I understand is so strong. Won’t you help me wait? If waiting is what I have to do, then I need You to help me do it. I can’t anymore. I am at my limit. I don’t care if I seem weak, Jesus, I am! I admit it!

I am tired of being frustrated, and angry. I am tired of trying to figure out what to do. My head hurts, Jesus! It won’t shut up! I need some peace. So please, give me the peace that transcends all understanding. If I have your peace, I can wait another day. Will You? Will You do it for me?

Eliminate the paths before me, if that is what it takes. I don’t need many choices, I only need one, and I want it to be the one that is right. This way or that, Jesus, I can’t wait forever.


No, I am not going to tell you guys what is wrong. Some of you know already. This is something I need to deal with alone, God and me. There are just things like that in our lives. I am not good at waiting. I have been praying about this ever since I began on this path, and I am on a fork that seems to have a hundred different ways to go. But I know there is only one way, and I can’t see it!

But, as I finish this post, I am glad to tell you that God has answered my prayer for peace. At least there is still that. Thank you for bearing with my ranting. I am still a vessel of clay, fragile, weak, and without a whole lot of answers. Grace. Amen

6 comments:

BruceD said...

Crying with ya, bro. Does it sometimes seem like we're all alone out here in cyberland?

Hold on to hope, my friend. Embrace the depth of truth that you know in your heart. I am your friend and I care about you. From my heart to yours, cling to the peace that only comes from the Father of us all. Know that you are loved deeply. Know that all will be well.

Tom Reindl said...

Bruce,

Thank you very much. I know you are crying with me. It's so good to hear from you again. Yeah, it does feel awfully lonely sometimes. I am praying for you, too. I know God will bring both of us through. It's the "when" and "how" that has me so befuddled. Grace and peace dear brother. Amen.

Beloved said...

There is not "one right path", His lack of pinpointing the "right one" for you is possibly His way of saying that the choice up to you and your heart. Although you are at the fork in the road, He's leaving the choice up to you, because He will bless either decision. Keep seeking His heart, and keep sharing with Him your own... He will honor your choice of direction, if you remember Him in it.

eddie{F} said...

Hey man

Thinking about you and I know that God's plans is being worked out in you.

;-)

Tom Reindl said...

Hey guys,

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I'm still waiting, but I am not idle. I just wish I could "make" things happen faster. Thank you all for being friends, and I thank God for you, that you love Jesus too.

Messy Christian said...

I'm sorry I took so long to comment - but, I'm here with everyone else with you ... I cry a lot too - at God! Sometimes I rant and rave ... and it's nice to see brothers and sisters coming together to give you a cyber hug. :)