Maybe you have noticed. I have started showing my current mood on my blog, using unkymoods (love that name!). Today’s cartoon of my mood fits my mood perfectly. How do they do it? I suppose with several hundred to choose from, you’re bound to find one that is close. But this one is right on.
I feel bottled up. I feel like I am in prison, only not a horrendous prison, or one of my own making. It sort of feels like frustration, anxiety, hope, and excitement all at once. Dangerous combination, that one.
I have been anxious about my daughter, and maybe we’ll get some answers tomorrow. We’ll see. I am much more hopeful, because it seems like she is talking with me more and more. But, there is still the holding back. When will the flood gates open, and what will that be like?
Maybe I am over-reacting, I hope I am. I hope it’s nothing. After all, trying to be nonchalant about this isn’t easy. Trying not to coddle her is difficult to say the least. I want to hold her, and constantly tell her everything is going to be alright. I can tell her that, because everything in my heart tells me this is true.
Now, why won’t my head shut-up, and why does my heart hurt so bad? Well, I think it’s because the “everything will be alright” part is not here yet. I am bottled up. What I know to be true isn’t here yet, I want to escape, I want my daughter to escape, and I want it to be here now. But I will hold on to what I cannot see, because I know with all of my heart that it WILL be, and that it is REAL.
God, I love you, I really do. But right now, my daughter is hurting, and I am hurting because she is. I don’t care about my heart, Lord. I really don’t. But please, heal hers? You see, I don’t need to feel good. I don’t need to have a heart that is healed. In fact, it would be useless to me if my daughter’s heart wasn’t. That’s how I feel, Jesus. Anyway, whatever you will do, I am willing. If we have to wait, then I ask you to give us the strength for patience that we don’t have. Whatever it is, Lord, equip us, and we will obey. Thank you for letting me talk with Ally. You know how much that meant to me. You know how much I want for her. But Lord, it doesn’t matter if I connect with her. She needs You! Please, connect with her, call to her. Speak to her as you have to me. Make her to understand, and beckon her with your arms as you did me. For what am I, that you should call to me, and not her? She is by far more obedient, more loving, more kind. If any of this could earn your good pleasure, she would please you far more than I. That’s all I have, Jesus. Please reveal joy to each person who visits here. Reveal it in such a way that they won’t miss it. Thank you. AMEN HOLY ONE.