9/28/2004

BOTTLED UP

Maybe you have noticed. I have started showing my current mood on my blog, using unkymoods (love that name!). Today’s cartoon of my mood fits my mood perfectly. How do they do it? I suppose with several hundred to choose from, you’re bound to find one that is close. But this one is right on.

I feel bottled up. I feel like I am in prison, only not a horrendous prison, or one of my own making. It sort of feels like frustration, anxiety, hope, and excitement all at once. Dangerous combination, that one.

I have been anxious about my daughter, and maybe we’ll get some answers tomorrow. We’ll see. I am much more hopeful, because it seems like she is talking with me more and more. But, there is still the holding back. When will the flood gates open, and what will that be like?

Maybe I am over-reacting, I hope I am. I hope it’s nothing. After all, trying to be nonchalant about this isn’t easy. Trying not to coddle her is difficult to say the least. I want to hold her, and constantly tell her everything is going to be alright. I can tell her that, because everything in my heart tells me this is true.

Now, why won’t my head shut-up, and why does my heart hurt so bad? Well, I think it’s because the “everything will be alright” part is not here yet. I am bottled up. What I know to be true isn’t here yet, I want to escape, I want my daughter to escape, and I want it to be here now. But I will hold on to what I cannot see, because I know with all of my heart that it WILL be, and that it is REAL.

God, I love you, I really do. But right now, my daughter is hurting, and I am hurting because she is. I don’t care about my heart, Lord. I really don’t. But please, heal hers? You see, I don’t need to feel good. I don’t need to have a heart that is healed. In fact, it would be useless to me if my daughter’s heart wasn’t. That’s how I feel, Jesus. Anyway, whatever you will do, I am willing. If we have to wait, then I ask you to give us the strength for patience that we don’t have. Whatever it is, Lord, equip us, and we will obey. Thank you for letting me talk with Ally. You know how much that meant to me. You know how much I want for her. But Lord, it doesn’t matter if I connect with her. She needs You! Please, connect with her, call to her. Speak to her as you have to me. Make her to understand, and beckon her with your arms as you did me. For what am I, that you should call to me, and not her? She is by far more obedient, more loving, more kind. If any of this could earn your good pleasure, she would please you far more than I. That’s all I have, Jesus. Please reveal joy to each person who visits here. Reveal it in such a way that they won’t miss it. Thank you. AMEN HOLY ONE.

6 comments:

Elaine said...

Tom,
Sometimes watching our childern growup is one of the hardest things. During the teen years they try to have an "idenity" all of a suddedn they want to know who they are? are they good enough? and about sisty million other questions go throuth their minds. Ally IS bless to have a father like you who cares. God Bless

Tom Reindl said...

Elaine, Cody and Wyatt are blessed to have a mom like you. ROCK on Sister!

BruceD said...

Love you guys!

I'm sorry I don't have much to say lately, but I wanted you to know I'm still reading, and praying the Lord's favor over you both.

Sweet journey to you!

Bruce

Tom Reindl said...

Thanks, Bruce. You know, I move closer and closer to wanting to just head out and meet you one of these days. I wish circumstances were more favorable, but I am wondering if maybe I will have to force the circumstances a bit. Until that day, good hope and God's grace as a visible, physical reality in your life is what I pray for.

Technidiva said...

Hi Tom!

It sounds like I have a Freshman daughter that is just like yours. Its only the grace of God that we are finding a common ground to be able to sit and talk about the current "Crisis" that is in her young life.

When will she open up to you? It might be tomorrow or it might be next year, you just need to continue to be that faithful, solid ground that she can run to when that time comes. Much like what Jesus does for us when we withhold from Him and then come running back to Him for the comforting and strength that we need to live in this world.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life" Matthew 6:27

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. " Matthew 6:34

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. " 1 John 3:18

Keep the faith my friend...God is good and faithful to us!

Tom Reindl said...

Techno diva,

Thanks for the encouragements. I know I shouldn't worry. But this is my daughter we're talking about. Can't seem to find peace about this whole thing. Everytime I try, I get wound up wondering what she is thinking. Thanks.