A few days ago, I announced that I had formed a Presidential Exploratory Committee. There was nothing presidential about it, nevertheless, we have concluded that I am running for president.
What has caused this turn of events? I think nearly everything "political" has caused it, but the twenty billionth political straw that broke the donkey/elephants back was the latest political "statement" made by our new democratic powerhouse; the Nonbinding Resolution against the Iraq Troop increase. Oops! Did I say increase? Oh no, the first politically incorrect statement of my "political" career. I meant, "surge".
Yeah, and I didn't inhale, either.
What in the Sam hell tarnation effing blue sky over these amber waves of grain is a non-binding resolution? Does it mean our politicians are resolved to be non-committal? Does it mean more Washington wishy-washyness? Clearly, if it is non-binding, then nothing has been resolved; therefore, why bother calling it a resolution? Is the answer to that question something I will have to learn in my first days as president of the United States? Will I have to learn how to use the English language in mysterious and silly ways, all in hopes of confusing my constituents so much with my goofy, adjective laden rhetoric that in the end, they re-elect me because anyone who can sound so goofy all the while keeping a straight face MUST know what he is talking about? (See...I've been taking lessons...PO-litical lessons, that is)
My first act as President of the United States will be to introduce a plan that requires all elected senators and congresspeople to actually take a stand on an issue, rather than waiting to find out which side is the wrong side, and then stating "I was against that allllllllllll along!" in front of the nearest spin machine.
Say what you want about President Bush (i am no fan of his), but currently in Washington, he is the only politician who has balls big enough to make a decision and stand by it. Oops! Did I say "balls"? I meant "courage", for you lady folk out there. His trouble is, possibly, he listens to the people who themselves don't know what in the hell is going on.
My next act? I will introduce a plan that outlaws political parties in this country. Imagine a group of politicians actually having to stand on their own two feet, and decide according to their conscience, what path is best?
You're right, that is hard to imagine, isn't it? Well, looks like, after we have the mass burial for all the current politicians who committed suicide because they couldn't cope with having to carry around a sack of balls, we'll just have to elect new senators and congresspeople, won't we? And we won't let them learn the old way of American politics, will we? Because the next bit of legislation will be to limit not just the president's tenure to two terms, but all elected officials to two terms, so that we can be sure to continue with politicians who aren't in it to get re-elected, but rather, are in it to get the job done right.
Currently in Washington, we have a group of princes and princesses who believe that the American people elected them to maintain the status quo; only with the democratic party in control. Yes, you see, because the democrats are younger and better looking, and it's so much better to get screwed by young, good looking politicians, than by old, cigar smoking republican politicians.
Next bit of work to be done as President? Send two to three thousand American Tanks to Baghdad. If we are going to be in that country, then let's put our soldiers in the most protective vehicles we have. Then, we can tell the terrorists, "Throw your IED at this", and laugh. We will truly then show how pitiful a suicide bomber is, when the only person he blows up is himself. Let that happen about a hundred times, and then let's see how willing the young radicals are to jump in front of a tank that barely moves while they are disintegrating. Like I said, if we have to be there.....
Maybe I'll write more about my bid for the highest office in this nation. Will you join me in the revolution? Let's hear your ideas.
Remember, no idea, on this blog, is ever too goofy.