I was in the midst of talking with God today, when suddenly I realized that I couldn’t tell if I really meant what I was saying.
Now I can’t even remember what it was I said that caused this all. And I am glad I can’t. It is as if it has been erased, and along with it, the guilt of it.
I told someone recently who reads this blog that the very first place I started with God when I wanted to know Him was honesty. The trouble with this is, when I began, I couldn’t even know for sure if I was being honest with Him. So, I started even before that by saying very little at the beginning of my prayers, except to almost whimper, “Lord….help me be honest with you right now”.
I don’t know if I can explain how hopeless I felt at the prospect of trying to be honest with Him. I didn’t even understand most of my own motives, how could I ever know whether I was actually being honest? The truth is, I couldn’t.
I still can’t. But you know what? It doesn’t matter.
That’s right. If inner change were up to me, I’d be lost. In fact, I take this desire for honesty before God to be a gift from Him to me. I didn’t understand that at first. I thought it was up to me to try and be honest, and in some ways, the mere act of trying began to teach me how hopeless my own efforts really were.
But that’s the kicker in all of this. Until I tried to be honest, I didn’t even know I couldn’t be such on my own. Amazing grace, huh? How awesome are the ways God uses to teach us?
So I told this person that a good place to start might be honesty with God. What have I done? My God! What have I done?!
Fear not, if grace were so weak, every thing I did would end up in death to those around me.
Did I not just say that until I tried to be honest, I didn’t even know I couldn’t be such on my own? Yeah, I think I said that. And grace will pick up the pieces of brokenness, and put them back together into something that can hold hope.
This person may very well read this post, and I hope she does. I don’t mean to use her as an example. I merely mean to share my experience with you all, and this person reminded me of my own journey. There is great hope for the believer when he comes to the end of himself, and realizes how useless his efforts really are. Knowing grace begins at that point.
And at that point, honesty can happen, through the work of the One we asked to help us because we can’t even help ourselves.