I have been thinking about this strange journey I am on.
I think each day I am more aware of God’s love for me. Yet I do not understand how that is possible, since each day, I am more aware of how much of nothing I really amount to. A short while back, I made a statement which said I have to learn to accept the fact that God loves me, even though I smoke cigarettes. I have to learn to accept who I am, regardless of “what” I am.
Failure to do so will result in me judging what God refuses to judge any longer. In essence, might I not, at that point, be claiming that I know more than God? Now that’s a scary thought. If I know more than God, you all are in big trouble. BIG TROUBLE INDEED.
So I have this contradiction I am faced with each day. I know I am not without faults. In fact, I am pretty sure I am full of them. And yet I also am more and more aware of God’s love for me. Is it possible that we might only know of God’s love when we are also aware of our wounds?
A while ago, say six years, I was pretty sure that I was a pretty good guy. I paid my taxes, worked hard at my job, was better at it than anyone I knew, and treated my family pretty well, at least I thought. But I was absolutely clueless as to how God felt about me. I thought, “Sure, He’s probably pretty pissed at me for a few things, but the good stuff I have done ought to be enough. It really ought to be enough. Anyway, I can’t concern myself about that right now, since I have a life to lead, and everything is going pretty well.” My oh my oh my, how blind we can be.
Today, I am pretty certain that I am a piece of crap, not very nice in my thoughts, completely addicted to smoking, and I know right now that I have never done even one thing in my life that made me deserving of joy. In short, I should burn in hell. I can’t understand how God could love someone like me. At least, I can’t understand according to how I have lived my life.
But I have this new life, in Christ, and it makes me FEEL differently. Yes, there are many times I am pretty much “blah” about my relationship with God. Sometimes, honestly, I’d just rather sleep, than talk with Him. And it isn’t because I want to hide, or because I don’t love Him. It isn’t even because I think He is angry with me. Heck, when I think He is angry with me, I RUN AS FAST as I can toward Him, not wanting it to be true ever. No, I just sometimes feel “blah”.
You know what? I think God would rather have us addicted to cigarettes, and running back to Him, than perfect, and standing tall without wounds that require His healing touch.
I know that quitting smoking, and stopping myself from a whole host of inner contempt will make me physically healthier. But……will I be spiritually healthier?
If I exercise, and look good, will I BE good? If I serve others with all my might, and I know that serving others isn’t bad, will I be any better in the eyes of the Lord than I am right now?
Just some strange thoughts from a strange man on a strange journey.