I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING

I don't know what I'm doing.

Have you ever admitted that to anyone? Well, I am admitting it to you. But first, I admitted it to God, many times lately.

It's true; I really don't know what I am doing. Oh, I know how to do my job, and I know (somewhat) how to love my daughter. Heck, I even know how to change oil in my car and truck.

I use to love to think I could sit here, and type words of wisdom showing you all how much I know, and how together I am. But the truth is, I am not together. This admission does not come on the heels of any depression or anxiety disorder, and finally and loudly, no, I do not have adult attention deficit disorder, and I am not autistic; not even somewhat. I do not need Xanax or Paxil to help get me through this, and I do not need to see a pshrink.

You see, this is life...real life.

I do not know what I am doing. I do not have a plan, except to live through this one day, and maybe a few various hopes or dreams that vaguely represent my ideal future.

I could tell you all about the things I'd LIKE to do, and what I think it would take to accomplish those things, but then I'd also have to explain how ridiculously small and foolish my plans are when compared to the fact that I have no control over anything that is not in my control. What does that mean? It means that despite the idea that I am an intelligent man, there are people, and circumstances that will not bow down to my will no matter how hard I try, and no matter how loud my temper tantrum. In essence, I am not in control, and I'd be a fool to try and convince you otherwise.

I do not have it all together, and furthermore, I have no idea how to get it all together. But, I CAN fake it pretty good, and sometimes, for your benefit, I think I should fake it. After all, if we don't all try our best to keep the illusion of togetherness alive...why...someday, we may actually have to face the truth.

And what is that truth?

That none of us have it all together; not a single one of us. I can pick out a clean pair of underwear with the best of them, brush my teeth in the morning, and go all the way until 9:30 AM without a bite to eat. But if I go much beyond that time, I start to feel faint. Truly, this cowboy does not have it all together.

So maybe you'd like to think you have it all together? Maybe you'd like to share with me, and with the rest of us goofs what the secrets to your success are? Or maybe here, for the first time in your life, you'd like to share, even if it is anonymously, just how untogether you really are? Maybe you'd like to share your greatest plan, and how bit by bit, that plan fell apart, and you found yourself revising it to the point where in the end (if there ever is an end) that plan no longer even remotely resembled your original plan.

Welcome to the human race.

Maybe you'd like to share with us instead how every plan you have ever set in motion has succeeded exactly as you designed?

I know, it's not likely, is it?

I do not know what I am doing. I guess I haven't even got a clue. I tell God that all of the time now. Some might say that isn't really a prayer, but maybe just an admission is enough to qualify? After all, I don't really even know what I'm doing when it comes to prayer, either. Could you expect more from someone whose opening statement here was "I don't know what I'm doing"?

But this I do know; Living in the grace of God has allowed me to admit that I do not know what I am doing, to be okay with it, and to know that God is also okay with it. In fact, He's more than okay with it. He's more than okay with my fumbled attempts at prayer, with my starts and stops in faith, with my deepest faults and guilts, many of which I could never admit openly to anyone but Him. Living in the grace of God has allowed me to begin to see myself, the REAL me, for the first time in my life. He is more than okay with me.

The depth of love He feels for me I do not understand, and yet again, I find myself admitting that when it comes to feeling His love, or returning it...I do not know what I am doing. Day after day now, I enter the day not knowing what I am doing, not knowing what will happen, and somehow, trusting that everything will work out fine, that my highs will be higher than I imagined, and my lows will be lower than I want. I just never know what the day will bring, because with each day, I know I have never lived this day before; how could I be expected to know what I am doing with it?

You know what? It's sort of exciting; this not knowing what I am doing.